how to high school.

How to be alone. 

                 not be noticed.

                 blend in.

                 stay safe. 

                 pretend. 

                 (in high school?)

1) put on your picture day fake smile 

2) don't let what you're really feeling show

3) act like you know what's going on

4) keep smiling and don't stop

5) don't ask for any help, you don't want to seem lost

6) pretend you're talking on the phone to someone when there's only you and another stranger in the hall

7) walk around the school as many times as you need to in order to convince people you are going somewhere 

8) post pictures on Instagram saying you're having so much fun with all your "friends"

9) keep on smiling 

10) say you're doing better than ever if someone asks "how are you?"

11) like what everyone else likes

12) don't show any feelings other than happy 

13) wear classy clothes 

14) always look put together 

15) don't say you stayed home on Friday night 

16) smile, smile, smile 

17) let everyone think your life is perfect

18) do what everyone else is doing

19) don't let anyone know you actually enjoy reading, especially the Harry Potter books

20) be anything but yourself 

21) don't walk alone

22) stand in circles and talk to your big group of "friends"

23) keep smiling 

bricks=humans

Bricks are something you can see almost anywhere and everywhere. 

Bricks can hold each other up and make something tall and strong. 

Bricks can also crumble and fall and knock each other down. 

Bricks can be found in schools, in bathrooms, in office buildings, in houses, in parks. 

Bricks come in all shapes and sizes. 

Bricks can hold almost anything up, but can fall under too much pressure.

Bricks are used a lot more than we realize. 

Bricks are kinda like humans. 

Humans are seen anywhere and everywhere. 

Humans can help build each other up to make them stronger. 

Humans can also tear each other down. 

Humans can be found in schools, bathrooms, office buildings, houses, parks. 

Humans come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

Humans put up with as much as they can, but will sometimes break down.

Humans do so much more than we realize. 

Humans = Bricks

funerals.

Funerals consist of...

Relatives you've never seen before in your life. 

Last goodbyes. 

Time that goes by too slow.

Time that goes by too fast.

Using too many tissues. 

Dark clothes. 

Crying more than you thought you had in you. 

Quiet car rides. 

The most comforting hugs. 

Beautiful bouquets of flowers. 

Seeing everyone in nice clothes. 

Sad faces. 

Smeared make up.

Sniffles even when it's quiet. 

Red, puffy eyes.

Hearses. 

Sharing favorite memories. 

Good company. 

A reason to get together and see each other. 

Moments you never want to forget.

#cancersucks

Whenever I think of cancer, I think of The Fault in Our Stars. 

(At least up until now in my life, I never thought 

something like that would affect me.)

This is real. 

This isn't some story about loving 

someone who has cancer of the other gender. 

This is about cancer and my own family member. 

I will never forget your cards every year for my birthday with handwriting in such swirly cursive I could barely read it. 

I will never forget your little homemade caramel candies you would wrap in wax paper and you offering us to take as many as we wanted. 

I will never forget when you won the "Biggest BYU Fan" award and how much you disliked the Utah Utes. 

I will never forget when you gave my family our very first jar of cookie butter from Trader Joe's. 

I will never forget cleaning up your front yard and you introducing us to your neighbor across the street who you absolutely adored.

I will never forget you standing in my kitchen for hours and refusing to sit down until all the dishes were washed from Thanksgiving dinner.

I will never forget when you did a fashion show of all the different hats/headbands you were going to wear as you started to lose your hair. 

I will never forget buying you chicken noodle soup from chick-fil-a when that's all you wanted to eat during chemotherapy. 

I will never forget driving to the hospital at 11pm to see 

you for one of last times since your cancer came back worse than ever. 

Seeing you so helpless with cancer rapidly taking over your body. Having you tell me you expect to live for at least another month, but having the doctor tell us you would be lucky to live for two more days.

You were laying there worried about how your house wasn't clean. How your pictures weren't labeled. How people aren't going to remember you because you never wrote much of your history down.

Me worried about how much you are suffering. Worrying about how badly I wanted to help you feel better about what a great life you've lived and how you've truly changed my life. About how your life shouldn't be over at 75. About how I wanted to stay in the hospital with you all day and night. But somehow being in that room comforted me.

Being in that room with you for your last few days was eye opening. Seeing how fast life can change in just a few days. Seeing you struggle to stay alive in that bed. Seeing all the people who truly loved you coming to support you.

The hardest part was seeing my dad sit by your bed and him not being able to do anything to help you. Watching your best friend sit by your bed the night you were supposed to be going to the symphony together. Having my grandpa (your brother) try to spend every last minute with you and say his last goodbye.

Thank you for the homemade caramels.

Thank for washing the dishes.

Thank you for the cookie butter.

Thank you for the many birthday cards.

Thank you for all the wonderful memories.

PS...Tell your mom hi for me when you go back to heaven. And please love it up there because life down here won't be the same without you.

definition of love.

Love is love.

Love is the clear blue sky.

Love is the chirping of crickets.

Love is smelling like campfire smoke.

Love is long drives with the sunroof open.

Love is stargazing up the canyon.

Love is a bumpy dirt road.

Love is hitting every stop light green.

Love is not getting pulled over by a police when you're speeding.

Love is a long road trip.

Love is a full tank of gas.

Love is always wearing your seat belt.

Love is guessing the right answer.

Love is not studying and acing the test.

Love is the awful orange spray tans girls get.

Love is not wearing sunscreen.

Love is the first sunburn you get in the summer. 

Love is swallowing salt water in the ocean.

Love is a printer without paper.

Love is a pen that runs out of ink.

Love is a pencil without a used eraser.

Love is a phone with 100% battery life.

Love is the Super Bowl commercials.

Love is a leaky dishwasher. 

Love is no line at In&Out.

Love is awkward hugs.

Love is life.

Love is the answer.

I am here.

I am always here. 

I'll always be here.

The hallways where no one notices me.

{I am here.} 

The classes where I feel invisible. 

{I am here.} 

The long drives with just no one but me. 

{I am here.} 

The friends who ignore me.

{I am here.} 

The days when I eat lunch alone. 

{I am here.} 

The times when I walk by myself. 

{I am here.} 

The school activities I go to with no one. 

{I am here.}

The Friday nights I sit at home. 

{I am here.}

I am here. 

I still am.

ro·bot ˈrōˌbät,ˈrōbət/

I am built by experience.

By memories.

By remembering.

I can lose.

Lose it all and still survive.

I fall on my face.

Flat into the concrete and get up in one piece.

I breathe.

I think for myself.

I step out of my comfort zone.

I don't have a set path.

I can practice.

And still not be good enough.

I'll never be perfect.

I have no manual.
I figure things out through trial and error.

I have emotion.

I can cry and not be destroyed.

I can be happy but not explode.

I'm not 100% healthy.

I go to the doctor way too much.

I have a hole in my heart.

I have insecurities.
I am too shy.

I think too much.
I say too little.

I don't know everything I need to know.
I try and I fail.

I am human.
Never to become a robot.

*next in line please*

Why do we waste so much of our time waiting?

We wait for the bell to ring.

For dinner to be made.

For the newest iPhone to come out.

For the mail to be delivered.

For it to be our turn.

For our mom to get off the phone.

For someone to tell us how to do it.

For the grass to grow.

For the rain to go away.

For the good to begin.

For the bad to end.

For the beautiful sunsets.

For the ice cream man to come back.

For dreams to come true.

For the Black Friday sales to start.

For it to become easy.

For something amazing to happen.

We wait.

We wait.

We wait.

And we wait.

Well I say we just stop waiting. Stop waiting in line behind everyone else and go do your own thing. 

Because I don't know about you, but I sure do hate waiting in lines. It's so boring and I never know what to do to keep me occupied. 

[Except try to awkwardly act busy.]