Will the real Berkeley Anderson please stand up?

#realtalk

{Some things just don't make sense to me.}

{Using a GPS} 
People use a GPS to get them anywhere. A GPS tells you where to go, what road to take, and exactly how long it takes to get there. Yet people are always saying "don't follow the crowd." But that's where a GPS leads you, the same place as everyone else.

{Special Baking Instructions} 
The explanation for baking instructions changing because of "higher altitude" on the back of a brownie box. Like who cares if we live in freakin high altitude?! All they do is put a little note below the normal instructions supposedly telling you to notice it for special instructions because of the altitude. Well what if you don't notice the little side note at the bottom and your brownies get ruined? Or what if you don't obey the side note and your brownies turn out just fine?

{The Mona Lisa}
There are thousands of paintings at the Louvre, yet people go to see the Mona Lisa. They walk past hundreds of paintings just to see the famous Mona Lisa. I mean, she's just a weird looking lady who is famous for like no reason. It also doesn't make any sense to me when you walk into the room with the Mona Lisa in it and there is a giant crowd of tourists trying to get a picture of her. Like just find a picture online...it will be better than the one you're currently trying to take.

{Umbrellas} 
Umbrellas are good for protecting you from the weather. They help guard you from the sun so it doesn't blind you. They help hide you from the rain so your clothes don't get soaked and your hair doesn't get messed up. They protect you from being exposed to extreme weather conditions. 

Well you won't find me doing any of these things. You'll find me navigating through life without a GPS and getting lost at every turn. You'll find me making my brownies without the high altitude instructions because I want to see if it will still work out. You'll find me walking past the Mona Lisa (without taking a picture) to see the painting in her shadow. You'll find me walking the streets without an umbrella because I don't care about what the weather will bring. You'll find me here, being me, Sunnie Delight.

[and you'll always find me wearing my seat belt]

#SFYSpoetry

speak your bruises so they slide off your skin onto mine

we are stuck because we don't know how to put it into words

my words were never a walk in the park, they were marathons of heartaches and heartbreaks

and someday I'll be that speaker who found their words

but my hair is still blond because I want to be welcome in your house

darling, you are a chain link fence

remember you are more than just this chain link fence

your heart was made to push blood up

you have to fall down to grow up

but the stress won't let us sleep

maybe rotting in hell would be better than this

beauty isn't skin deep, it's just not that shallow

you know what I want to be in 15 years? I want to be myself

as seniors we are asked to make the most important decisions of our lives, but we still have to ask permission to leave the room

I've fallen down too many times for the bruises to keep up

there's always something in our scars waving back at us

a human with too many rips and tears in her heart

so for now I just keep back peddling 

the popped tires taught me how to change tires

it hurts just as much to get up as it does to fall

I am tender, and now you know what that means to me

holding hands instead of textbooks

signing all their checks with crayons

they don't see my weight, the weight on my hear, the weight on my mind

215 pounds is nothing compared to the weight of my sadness, and I am heavy with it

I should've asked her to check my heart

I know silence kills, but I can't get myself to speak because I know words last forever

you are more than an almost

everyday is one day fewer

sunny days would always be placed in our forecast

sunrises were never supposed to be sunsets

it's not fair that we have to fall to be in love

rainbows are more than what the photography will show

I've swallowed back enough salty tears to know that I'm 100% ocean

tsunami warnings never come soon enough to save anybody

we are the originals and we decide our name

it seems like they hung us between the Mona's and the Van Gogh's only to fill the space

each step, no matter how small, is a celebration

take that rope and tie it around your fears

this is not because I never made it to the front of the student section

that guy in green eggs and ham didn't try something new until the last page, and that changed everything

ignorance is just another patch your mom sewed on your varsity jacket

this, this is my heart

the one who never sleeps
the one who knows it all, even the secrets

this is my heart

the one who can never stop thinking about old men in cemeteries
the one who feels bad for people sitting alone

this is my heart

the one who struggles with making decisions
the one who most definitely has regrets

this is my heart

the one who wants everyone to be happy
the one who is always smiling

this is my heart

the one who wishes time didn't fly so fast

the one who wants to remember it all

this is my heart

the one who is scared of the dark
the one who never wants to make mistakes

this is my heart

the one who has so much that wants to be said

the one who doesn't know how to say it

this is my heart

Things I tell myself I'll never forget.

I remember my 3rd grade class making fun of my because I went by my middle name and not my first name. I quickly made my mom call the school and take my first name off of the records so I would only be on the roll as Berkeley Anderson.

I remember the day I found out about Bryce. Tuesday, August 7, 2012. I was eating a raspberry shake in Bear Lake.

I remember when my mom would make me a lunch everyday, complete with a little note from her.

I remember when I was the one who finished the times table quizzes first every time.

I remember when people started only pointing out my flaws.

I remember being so excited to grow up, but now I'm not so sure about it.

I remember my first guitar recital and I how I wore a white turtle neck with a blue printed poncho.

I remember seeing that old man all by himself at the cemetery.

I remember figuring out how to use cruise control. Truly life changing.

I remember waking up at my grandma's house in my purple pj's and her telling me her school colors were purple and white. She would always do the school cheer "Purple and white, fight fight fight!"

I remember my hello kitty toaster, crayons, shirt, journal, stuffed animals, backpack, and sweats.

I remember stepping on barbed wire.

I remember climbing the giant tree that stood in my front yard. I remember the day my mom had it cut down while we were at school.

I remember playing night games with the whole neighborhood.

I remember living on sunflower drive.

I remember sneaking into the kitchen, climbing onto the counter, and taking a package of gushers before my mom could see me. Then hoping she wouldn't notice them slowly disappearing.

I remember when I accidentally flipped someone off on the bus in 1st grade. Sorry, I didn't know middle fingers said so much.

I remember my black pug, Syd.

I remember 7th grade picture day and how my mom went to the hospital that morning because of blood clot.

I remember my neighbor who made me scared of my own cat.

I remember going to the hospital at midnight because cancer was taking over my aunt. I remember going home and trying to find all the birthday cards she sent me.

I remember the first time someone told me I couldn't do it.

I remember going to the movies for the first time with just my friends and no 
parents.

I remember the day High School Musical came out on Disney Channel. I was at dance so my mom recorded it on two different VHS tapes. I came home and watched it on a little TV in my basement with Claire Mod.

I remember throwing rocks at the mailman and hiding in the trees.

I remember knowing that nobody cared about what I was trying to say.

I remember when I thought all my dreams would come true.

I remember telling myself I would never forget the little things.

#writersparisfilmfestival

words I live by

shoes?

marco...polo

Last summer I visited Paris, but it's nothing like the Paris I'm in right now. The street corner cafes, the chocolate croissants, the thousands of tourists, the many souvenir shops, the rain, the artists on the streets. It all was amazing, but just a tourist experience. Now I feel like I am a part of Paris and it is a part of me. The posts about ex-lovers, cancer, memories, death, dreams, and this thing called life. That is what truly took me to Paris, and now I'm never going to leave. I didn't feel like I fully experienced Paris when I was there for 4 days last summer, but now I feel like I belong in Paris.

{if you really knew me}

You would know that people always tell me they've 
never seen me wear the same outfit twice, but I feel like 
I wear the same things every single week.

You would know that I appreciate nature in a different way 

than most people do. I'll be driving with friends and point 

out how beautiful that mountain looks with the sun hitting it or 

how cool those clouds look, and they don't see anything but 

how weird I am for pointing something like that out.

You would know that my favorite drink from the Slurp 
right now is Pepsi with mango and raspberry syrup and a fresh 
lime. It reminds me of those push-pop popsicles I would 
want to eat everyday in elementary school.

You would know that I almost never wear my 
hair up. I feel so self conscious when I don't 
have my hair around my face.

You would know I have the biggest heart. I feel bad for 
anything and everything. I will feel bad about things for 
weeks, the things that don't even phase other people. 
(like that girl I cut off on my way to school, or for the 
kid I saw sitting by himself at lunch and I just walked 
by him, or for almost running over my neighbors cat, or 
for not saying hi to that random person walking in the 
hall, or for that old man I saw driving alone)

{if you really knew me}

In a game of "first impressions" I was told by someone that their first 

impression of me was in chemistry and that I am actually a lot smarter

than what I appeared to be.

                                                                                    ...do I take that as a compliment?

(Maybe it's best if we keep all of our first impressions to 
ourselves? Or is it better to share them?)

The other day I was told that I have good eye sight. Just because I could read the bumper stickers on the back of some white Honda Civic. Well will that make hitting the orange publish button any easier? Will that make me any better at writing these blog posts?

I never thought I could write (and I still don't think I can), but this class has taught me that who freaking cares. I learned from Remy in Ratatouille that anyone can cook, and this class has shown me that anyone can write.

You were calling Marco, and I'm finally saying Polo.

You've found me and I can't hide any longer.

<3/ Berkeley Anderson

{I hope you keep reading}

to a younger me

To my 10-year old self,

Please be you. 

The world and all the people in it will try 

their hardest to make you someone you're not. Don't 

give in. Just be you.  

Friends will come and go all throughout your life. 

It will be hard when some of your closer friends leave you 

high and dry, but just remember that the ones who stay are 

worth the most. No need to be so nice to the friends who 

treat you like crap, they're not worth the energy. 

Don't worry so much about trying to get enough 

sleep. Those nights you stay out late with friends will 

be some of your favorites. 

Enjoy the time you get with your dog because 

once he dies your mom will convert over to a cat lady.  

You'll be in 3rd grade and your friend will ask you

 what you want to be when you grow up. When you 

respond with I don't know yet and she says you have to know 

now or else you'll never know, don't believe her for a 

minute. Life will work out and you will figure out what 

you want to do when the time comes.

Life is hard, I'm not gonna lie. 

But you can do it. 

Never doubt yourself for a second. 

Although sometimes people will mistake your shyness 

as being stuck up, it's okay. Don't take it personally. 

Take every opportunity you get to experience life 

to its fullest. You will regret those chances you didn't take.

 No need to worry about your hair getting messed 

up when you ride in the car with the windows down. 

Or when your friends want you to swim three times in one 

day. Some of the best memories are made in the moment. Hair 

can be brushed out, washed, and untangled later.

When you open the fridge only to think there 

is no food at all, look just a little harder. I'm sure you 

will find something.

I know I am not even close to understanding 

this thing called life, but I hope this helps you. Even 

just a little bit.

<3/an older (and wiser?) you

This is for you.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of forgetting. 

Forgetting all the things I tell myself I want 
to remember forever.

I'm afraid of driving in the snow.

I'm afraid I'm not doing enough. 

I'm afraid I won't live up to their expectations. 

I'm afraid I won't reach my full potential. 

I'm afraid of losing a loved one. 

I'm afraid of cooking rice too long. 

I'm afraid of getting lost. 

I'm afraid of the future.

I'm afraid of the dark and all the things it 
holds. But I'm also afraid of the light because it 
can discover so much. 

I'm afraid of sleeping in.

I'm afraid of not caring enough. 

I'm afraid of spiders.

I'm afraid of death. 

I'm afraid of life. 

I'm afraid of winning.

I'm afraid of losing. 

I'm afraid to ride on airplanes. 

I'm afraid of what I've done wrong. 

Because the future is so big and the tiniest things 
can change it entirely. 

I'm afraid of heights. 

I'm afraid of not saying enough. 

I'm afraid of making decisions. 

I'm afraid of money. 

I'm afraid of confidence. 

I'm afraid of what people think of me. 

I'm afraid of becoming someone who I'm not. 

I'm afraid of not knowing what to say. 

I'm afraid of my regrets. 

Like wishing I had said "hi" to that person or 
wishing I had taken that chance or wishing I could go 
back in time to change something. 

I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid. 

And I wish I wasn't so afraid. 

People watching.

I see you over there.

You with the pink hair. 

You with the fat wallet. 

You with the cigarette butt. 

You with the sunglasses on. 

You with the perfect make up. 

You with the messy hair. 

You with the baggy sweatshirt.

You with the cardboard sign. 

You with the tattoo on your arm. 

You with the bucket hat. 

You with the camera around your neck. 

You with the car nicer than my house. 

You with the button up shirt. 

You with the tears in your eyes. 

You with the band aid over your heart. 

You showing off your best smile. 

I see you over there. 

I wonder how your life is. 

I wonder if you're okay. 

I wonder if you feel loved. 

I wonder if you have a place to call home. 

I wonder if you want more friends. 

I wonder if you feel good about yourself. 

I wonder if you like your job. 

I wonder if you're happy. 

I wonder if you like the way you look.

I wonder if you feel noticed. 

I see you over there. 

I hope you know I see you. 

I hope you know I've noticed you. 

I hope you know you matter. 

I hope you know you're needed. 

I hope you know you are loved. 

I see you over there. 

Street corner light pole.

The days are constantly changing and are always so different. The only thing that stays the same through it all is the light pole on the corner of the street. 

The light pole sees the city day and night. Spring, summer, winter, fall. Rain or shine. Cloudy days or sunny days. 

It sees the green lights and the red lights. The stop signs and the police. It sees cars stop at red lights and cars run the red lights. 

The light pole sees you jamming out to your favorite song. It sees fights about which way to turn. Which road to take. Which gas station you'll go to. Which restaurant you'll get food from. 

The day your boyfriend broke up with you, the light pole saw that too. 

Old ladies crossing the street. Grocery bags ripping. Wallets being stolen. Ambulances speeding by. Kids learning how to ride bikes. Streets being repaved. Car wrecks being cleaned up. Holding the sign you hung when you lost your dog.

The light pole on the corner of the street goes without being noticed, but it notices everything. 

It only goes unnoticed until it doesn't give light when it's dark. Then someone comes along to fix it, until the next time the light doesn't shine at night. 

After today.

After today I will look at life a little differently. 

I will take a moment to notice something I've never noticed before. 

I will sing as loud as I can to music in my car and not worry 

about what someone else thinks because I'll be happy. 

I will take time at night to look up at the stars. 

I will tell myself that it's okay to cry it out sometimes. 

I will remember that every flower has its season to bloom. 

I will learn from every mistake. 

I will say "hi" to everyone in the halls, even if they give me a weird look back. 

I will live every day like it is my last. 

I will take chances. 

I will remind myself that every day may not be good, but there 

is something good in every day. 

I will stop out of my comfort zone and not let it bother me. 

I will remember that not all bad times last forever. 

I will realize that life isn't always going to be treating me the way I want it to. 

I will give my mom some slack when she won't respond to my texts and calls. 

I will remind myself that winter ways come to an end. 

I will be a friend to all, because who couldn't use another friend?

I will remember that tomorrow is always a new day. 

I will realize that the quiz I failed in chemistry isn't going to matter in a year. 

I will hug my siblings every time I see them, even my brother 

who hates when I hug him. 

I will never forget that time enjoyed is never time wasted.

I will tell myself that it's okay. 

I will be grateful for every sunrise I get to witness and every sunset I get to admire. 

I will eat the veggies I don't like. 

I will try anything new because I just may end up liking it. 

I will listen all the way to the end of a song someone shows me, 

no matter how much I can't stand it. 

I will spend a little less time thinking about me and a little more time 

thinking about those around me. 

I will not be nervous to talk to strangers. 

I will speak my mind. 

I will appreciate all things. 

I will do my best. 

I will never forget how much my family loves me. 

I will laugh at my little sisters jokes, even though they usually don't make sense. 

I will not let the silly little things bother me. 

I will give hugs to everyone, because you always could use an extra hug. 

I will take criticism and help it build me up. 

I will not get frustrated when my brother chews with his mouth open just to annoy me. 

I will remember that there are always second chances. 

I will open my eyes a little bit wider. 

I will say "thank you" for every little thing. 

I will try my hardest with everything I do. 

I will have a new purpose to drive me.

I will say the words "I love you" more often and mean it with my whole heart. 

After today life will have a whole new meaning to it. 

After today I will never live my life the same. 

(silence)

The silence says so much. 

No one is saying a word but you can hear what everyone is trying to say. 
I wish I could have done more. 
I wish I had been a better friend. 
I wish I would've known.

I'm here. 

I'm here. 

I'm here. 

August 7, 2012. The day suicide became even more real to me than I ever wanted it to be. Finding out my childhood best friend had taken his life was too make to take in. A massive wave of 8 years of memories came flooding back to me. Cheese bread. Fantastic Four. Bus rides. Memories I would always cherish and never forget. I'll never forget you Bryce Edwin Nielsen. 

I'll remember. 

I'll remember.

I'll remember. 

Obituaries are the most interesting things.  They are never long enough. There is so much that needs to be said but not enough is said. There will never be enough said. You get a few short paragraphs to sum up someone's entire life. How are you supposed to hit every accomplishment, every trial, every success, every person they affected, every little thing you want to acknowledge. That darn obituary will never give justice to the lives they all lived. 

There's so much more.
There's so much more.
There's so much more.

To the kids who feel unwanted. To the kids who feel they go unnoticed. To the kids who just want to give up. To the kids who keep pushing through. To the kids who feel life is too hard. To the kids who think they'll never be good enough. To the kids who are trying their very best. To the kids who feel like things will never get better.

Keep trying.
Keep trying.
Keep trying.

For Bryce. 

For Hunter. 

For Terik. 

For anyone. 

For everyone.  

You are loved. 

You are loved. 

You are loved. 

And don't you ever forget it.

how to high school.

How to be alone. 

                 not be noticed.

                 blend in.

                 stay safe. 

                 pretend. 

                 (in high school?)

1) put on your picture day fake smile 

2) don't let what you're really feeling show

3) act like you know what's going on

4) keep smiling and don't stop

5) don't ask for any help, you don't want to seem lost

6) pretend you're talking on the phone to someone when there's only you and another stranger in the hall

7) walk around the school as many times as you need to in order to convince people you are going somewhere 

8) post pictures on Instagram saying you're having so much fun with all your "friends"

9) keep on smiling 

10) say you're doing better than ever if someone asks "how are you?"

11) like what everyone else likes

12) don't show any feelings other than happy 

13) wear classy clothes 

14) always look put together 

15) don't say you stayed home on Friday night 

16) smile, smile, smile 

17) let everyone think your life is perfect

18) do what everyone else is doing

19) don't let anyone know you actually enjoy reading, especially the Harry Potter books

20) be anything but yourself 

21) don't walk alone

22) stand in circles and talk to your big group of "friends"

23) keep smiling