Friday, March 27, 2015

marco...polo

Last summer I visited Paris, but it's nothing like the Paris I'm in right now. The street corner cafes, the chocolate croissants, the thousands of tourists, the many souvenir shops, the rain, the artists on the streets. It all was amazing, but just a tourist experience. Now I feel like I am a part of Paris and it is a part of me. The posts about ex-lovers, cancer, memories, death, dreams, and this thing called life. That is what truly took me to Paris, and now I'm never going to leave. I didn't feel like I fully experienced Paris when I was there for 4 days last summer, but now I feel like I belong in Paris.

{if you really knew me}

You would know that people always tell me they've 
never seen me wear the same outfit twice, but I feel like 
I wear the same things every single week.

You would know that I appreciate nature in a different way 
than most people do. I'll be driving with friends and point 
out how beautiful that mountain looks with the sun hitting it or 
how cool those clouds look, and they don't see anything but 
how weird I am for pointing something like that out.

You would know that my favorite drink from the Slurp 
right now is Pepsi with mango and raspberry syrup and a fresh 
lime. It reminds me of those push-pop popsicles I would 
want to eat everyday in elementary school.

You would know that I almost never wear my 
hair up. I feel so self conscious when I don't 
have my hair around my face.

You would know I have the biggest heart. I feel bad for 
anything and everything. I will feel bad about things for 
weeks, the things that don't even phase other people. 
(like that girl I cut off on my way to school, or for the 
kid I saw sitting by himself at lunch and I just walked 
by him, or for almost running over my neighbors cat, or 
for not saying hi to that random person walking in the 
hall, or for that old man I saw driving alone)

{if you really knew me}

In a game of "first impressions" I was told by someone that their first 
impression of me was in chemistry and that I am actually a lot smarter
than what I appeared to be.
                                                                                    ...do I take that as a compliment?

(Maybe it's best if we keep all of our first impressions to 
ourselves? Or is it better to share them?)


The other day I was told that I have good eye sight. Just because I could read the bumper stickers on the back of some white Honda Civic. Well will that make hitting the orange publish button any easier? Will that make me any better at writing these blog posts?

I never thought I could write (and I still don't think I can), but this class has taught me that who freaking cares. I learned from Remy in Ratatouille that anyone can cook, and this class has shown me that anyone can write.

You were calling Marco, and I'm finally saying Polo.
You've found me and I can't hide any longer.

<3/ Berkeley Anderson



{I hope you keep reading}

Sunday, March 22, 2015

to a younger me

To my 10-year old self,

Please be you. 

The world and all the people in it will try 
their hardest to make you someone you're not. Don't 
give in. Just be you.  

Friends will come and go all throughout your life. 
It will be hard when some of your closer friends leave you 
high and dry, but just remember that the ones who stay are 
worth the most. No need to be so nice to the friends who 
treat you like crap, they're not worth the energy. 

Don't worry so much about trying to get enough 
sleep. Those nights you stay out late with friends will 
be some of your favorites. 

Enjoy the time you get with your dog because 
once he dies your mom will convert over to a cat lady.  

You'll be in 3rd grade and your friend will ask you
 what you want to be when you grow up. When you 
respond with I don't know yet and she says you have to know 
now or else you'll never know, don't believe her for a 
minute. Life will work out and you will figure out what 
you want to do when the time comes.

Life is hard, I'm not gonna lie. 
But you can do it. 
Never doubt yourself for a second. 

Although sometimes people will mistake your shyness 
as being stuck up, it's okay. Don't take it personally. 

Take every opportunity you get to experience life 
to its fullest. You will regret those chances you didn't take.

 No need to worry about your hair getting messed 
up when you ride in the car with the windows down. 
Or when your friends want you to swim three times in one 
day. Some of the best memories are made in the moment. Hair 
can be brushed out, washed, and untangled later.

When you open the fridge only to think there 
is no food at all, look just a little harder. I'm sure you 
will find something.

I know I am not even close to understanding 
this thing called life, but I hope this helps you. Even 
just a little bit.

<3/an older (and wiser?) you

Sunday, March 15, 2015

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of forgetting. 
Forgetting all the things I tell myself I want 
to remember forever.

I'm afraid of driving in the snow.
I'm afraid I'm not doing enough. 
I'm afraid I won't live up to their expectations. 
I'm afraid I won't reach my full potential. 
I'm afraid of losing a loved one. 
I'm afraid of cooking rice too long. 
I'm afraid of getting lost. 
I'm afraid of the future.

I'm afraid of the dark and all the things it 
holds. But I'm also afraid of the light because it 
can discover so much. 

I'm afraid of sleeping in.
I'm afraid of not caring enough. 
I'm afraid of spiders.
I'm afraid of death. 
I'm afraid of life. 
I'm afraid of winning.
I'm afraid of losing. 
I'm afraid to ride on airplanes. 
I'm afraid of what I've done wrong. 

Because the future is so big and the tiniest things 
can change it entirely. 

I'm afraid of heights. 
I'm afraid of not saying enough. 
I'm afraid of making decisions. 
I'm afraid of money. 
I'm afraid of confidence. 
I'm afraid of what people think of me. 
I'm afraid of becoming someone who I'm not. 
I'm afraid of not knowing what to say. 

I'm afraid of my regrets. 
Like wishing I had said "hi" to that person or 
wishing I had taken that chance or wishing I could go 
back in time to change something. 

I'm afraid. 
I'm afraid. 
I'm afraid. 

And I wish I wasn't so afraid. 


People watching.

I see you over there.

You with the pink hair. 
You with the fat wallet. 
You with the cigarette butt. 
You with the sunglasses on. 
You with the perfect make up. 
You with the messy hair. 
You with the baggy sweatshirt.
You with the cardboard sign. 
You with the tattoo on your arm. 
You with the bucket hat. 
You with the camera around your neck. 
You with the car nicer than my house. 
You with the button up shirt. 
You with the tears in your eyes. 
You with the band aid over your heart. 
You showing off your best smile. 

I see you over there. 

I wonder how your life is. 
I wonder if you're okay. 
I wonder if you feel loved. 
I wonder if you have a place to call home. 
I wonder if you want more friends. 
I wonder if you feel good about yourself. 
I wonder if you like your job. 
I wonder if you're happy. 
I wonder if you like the way you look.
I wonder if you feel noticed. 

I see you over there. 

I hope you know I see you. 
I hope you know I've noticed you. 
I hope you know you matter. 
I hope you know you're needed. 
I hope you know you are loved. 

I see you over there. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Street corner light pole.

The days are constantly changing and are always so different. The only thing that stays the same through it all is the light pole on the corner of the street. 

The light pole sees the city day and night. Spring, summer, winter, fall. Rain or shine. Cloudy days or sunny days. 

It sees the green lights and the red lights. The stop signs and the police. It sees cars stop at red lights and cars run the red lights. 

The light pole sees you jamming out to your favorite song. It sees fights about which way to turn. Which road to take. Which gas station you'll go to. Which restaurant you'll get food from. 

The day your boyfriend broke up with you, the light pole saw that too. 

Old ladies crossing the street. Grocery bags ripping. Wallets being stolen. Ambulances speeding by. Kids learning how to ride bikes. Streets being repaved. Car wrecks being cleaned up. Holding the sign you hung when you lost your dog.

The light pole on the corner of the street goes without being noticed, but it notices everything. 

It only goes unnoticed until it doesn't give light when it's dark. Then someone comes along to fix it, until the next time the light doesn't shine at night. 


After today.

After today I will look at life a little differently. 
I will take a moment to notice something I've never noticed before. 
I will sing as loud as I can to music in my car and not worry 
about what someone else thinks because I'll be happy. 
I will take time at night to look up at the stars. 
I will tell myself that it's okay to cry it out sometimes. 
I will remember that every flower has its season to bloom. 
I will learn from every mistake. 
I will say "hi" to everyone in the halls, even if they give me a weird look back. 
I will live every day like it is my last. 
I will take chances. 
I will remind myself that every day may not be good, but there 
is something good in every day. 
I will stop out of my comfort zone and not let it bother me. 
I will remember that not all bad times last forever. 
I will realize that life isn't always going to be treating me the way I want it to. 
I will give my mom some slack when she won't respond to my texts and calls. 
I will remind myself that winter ways come to an end. 
I will be a friend to all, because who couldn't use another friend?
I will remember that tomorrow is always a new day. 
I will realize that the quiz I failed in chemistry isn't going to matter in a year. 
I will hug my siblings every time I see them, even my brother 
who hates when I hug him. 
I will never forget that time enjoyed is never time wasted.
I will tell myself that it's okay. 
I will be grateful for every sunrise I get to witness and every sunset I get to admire. 
I will eat the veggies I don't like. 
I will try anything new because I just may end up liking it. 
I will listen all the way to the end of a song someone shows me, 
no matter how much I can't stand it. 
I will spend a little less time thinking about me and a little more time 
thinking about those around me. 
I will not be nervous to talk to strangers. 
I will speak my mind. 
I will appreciate all things. 
I will do my best. 
I will never forget how much my family loves me. 
I will laugh at my little sisters jokes, even though they usually don't make sense. 
I will not let the silly little things bother me. 
I will give hugs to everyone, because you always could use an extra hug. 
I will take criticism and help it build me up. 
I will not get frustrated when my brother chews with his mouth open just to annoy me. 
I will remember that there are always second chances. 
I will open my eyes a little bit wider. 
I will say "thank you" for every little thing. 
I will try my hardest with everything I do. 
I will have a new purpose to drive me.
I will say the words "I love you" more often and mean it with my whole heart. 
After today life will have a whole new meaning to it. 
After today I will never live my life the same. 






Monday, March 2, 2015

(silence)

The silence says so much. 
No one is saying a word but you can hear what everyone is trying to say. 
I wish I could have done more. 
I wish I had been a better friend. 
I wish I would've known.

I'm here. 
I'm here. 
I'm here. 

August 7, 2012. The day suicide became even more real to me than I ever wanted it to be. Finding out my childhood best friend had taken his life was too make to take in. A massive wave of 8 years of memories came flooding back to me. Cheese bread. Fantastic Four. Bus rides. Memories I would always cherish and never forget. I'll never forget you Bryce Edwin Nielsen. 

I'll remember. 
I'll remember.
I'll remember. 

Obituaries are the most interesting things.  They are never long enough. There is so much that needs to be said but not enough is said. There will never be enough said. You get a few short paragraphs to sum up someone's entire life. How are you supposed to hit every accomplishment, every trial, every success, every person they affected, every little thing you want to acknowledge. That darn obituary will never give justice to the lives they all lived. 

There's so much more.
There's so much more.
There's so much more.

To the kids who feel unwanted. To the kids who feel they go unnoticed. To the kids who just want to give up. To the kids who keep pushing through. To the kids who feel life is too hard. To the kids who think they'll never be good enough. To the kids who are trying their very best. To the kids who feel like things will never get better.


Keep trying.
Keep trying.
Keep trying.

For Bryce. 
For Hunter. 
For Terik. 
For anyone. 
For everyone.  

You are loved. 
You are loved. 
You are loved. 

And don't you ever forget it.